I have finished my first semester as a college student. I don't know if I could call it successful, but it is done. I have finally figured out the "time management" thing that people have always told me about and as surprising as it may be, facebook doesn't facilitate in successful time management. I know, it was a surprise to me too. I have one final next week and a paper due. I think I should do fairly well. I am kind of excited for them. Next semester can only go better, I am convinced. I think I will be taking far more interesting classes and my profs should be slightly more interesting than this semester, or at least I hope so.
Looking back now I realize that college is amazing, at least the weekend part of it. It is also amazing to get to be with some of my best friends. I have made so many friends in these few short weeks its incredible. I think the most amazing part about college is the fact that I am just down the hall from my friends or just a couple buildings away. Its really nice to just take a quick study break and leave my room for a few minutes. I always knew that the social aspect of college was a plus but I didn't realize how much I would miss it during Christmas break let alone summer break. Its crazy.
College, as of now, is pretty much just as amazing as everyone said it was going to be. I can't wait to see what next semester has in store for me.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Christmas
I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
not because of the gifts, not because of the food, but because I get to see my relatives. I can't wait!!!! I get to see everyone that I love and not to mention during Christmas everyone is so much nicer and happier. I love it!!!
not because of the gifts, not because of the food, but because I get to see my relatives. I can't wait!!!! I get to see everyone that I love and not to mention during Christmas everyone is so much nicer and happier. I love it!!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Maturity (pronounced mat-chur-it-ee)
I realized today that I have changed a lot since I first started college. I don't know if I necessarily matured or if my personality changed or what happened, but I know that I have changed. I don't think it was a bad change, but I know that it wasn't necessarily for the better, either. Looking back at just the beginning of the school year I realize that there are things that I would never do now that I did then. Maybe the change that I am seeing is that I have gained wisdom and insight to that of a college student's life.
I am still soft spoken when it comes to strangers, but now I am not afraid to talk to them after a while. I can now easily strike up a conversation and make "useless" small talk with people if necessary. I think that I am not as timid as I used to be. I am more willing to put more of myself out in return for more of others. I think, maybe, I have realized that this is my one chance in life to meet someone, make a complete fool of myself, and then never see that person again.
(okay in my case avoid the person for the rest of my life, but those are only technicalities)
I think that I like the person that I am today better than I liked the person I was, even yesterday. I think that I am more of an adult than I was just a few short months ago. I think that I have a better understanding of money, of politics, and of people.
I think this revelation couldn't have come at a better time. In the slumps of winter I have this one thing to look forward to, myself. I can only wait to see the person I will become next year. I can only wait and see how I will change from freshman to sophomore. It should be interesting to watch.
I am still soft spoken when it comes to strangers, but now I am not afraid to talk to them after a while. I can now easily strike up a conversation and make "useless" small talk with people if necessary. I think that I am not as timid as I used to be. I am more willing to put more of myself out in return for more of others. I think, maybe, I have realized that this is my one chance in life to meet someone, make a complete fool of myself, and then never see that person again.
(okay in my case avoid the person for the rest of my life, but those are only technicalities)
I think that I like the person that I am today better than I liked the person I was, even yesterday. I think that I am more of an adult than I was just a few short months ago. I think that I have a better understanding of money, of politics, and of people.
I think this revelation couldn't have come at a better time. In the slumps of winter I have this one thing to look forward to, myself. I can only wait to see the person I will become next year. I can only wait and see how I will change from freshman to sophomore. It should be interesting to watch.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
College
I may not fail college after all. I know, a surprise to many considering I thought I was doing God awful, but I'm not! Yea!!
Next semester should be interesting. I am taking 18 credit hours. And I will stick with them all semester and I will get an A in at least one of my classes. I am determined.
I will also ace my sociology exam. I will. I must.
I feel a lot more up beat than a I did just a few weeks ago. I went through a major slump. Now I just need to try and stay out of it.
Next semester should be interesting. I am taking 18 credit hours. And I will stick with them all semester and I will get an A in at least one of my classes. I am determined.
I will also ace my sociology exam. I will. I must.
I feel a lot more up beat than a I did just a few weeks ago. I went through a major slump. Now I just need to try and stay out of it.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sixteen
1. I fear that I have no firm opinions to make and that I am easily persuaded.
2. I want to take back my first kiss and have one that is amazing with someone that I like a lot.
3. I often fear that I will never get married.
4. Sometimes I forget that my dad is dead when I look at the pictures next to my desk under my loft. I often look at them and then think of things that I want to tell my dad about when I next see him or things that I want him to cook for me when I come home.
5. The only reason why I stay in band is because I feel that I can control how good I am at it. All I need to do is show up on time and attempt to march and I get immense awards because of it.
6. I once stole my cousins lip gloss and when she saw me using it I just told her we must have had the same one (I was nine)
7. When I show up too early to something I often times will drive around the neighborhood to kill time.
8. I read Postsecret every Sunday and I usually end up crying and saving a postcard or two on my computer.
9. I always want people to like me. I go to crazy lengths to make sure they do. When someone doesn't like me I cry and wonder what I did wrong.
10. Although I am a loud person I like to listen to the tv at an almost inaudible level
11. Most of the time when I cry it is not because I am sad it is because I am frustrated and don't know what to say
12. I wish I could take better pictures
13. I wish that I followed up with more things and that I was more timely in responding to letters
14. I often fear the future and wonder if teaching is what I really want to do for the rest of my life and if I will even make it out of college
15.I sometimes wish that I could just sleep and sleep and everything around me would figure itself out on its own
16. I wish that I could make everyone understand that death isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. Most of the time the people that have died were suffering and they are probably better off no matter where they go.
Reasons I picked you.....
....there are reasons.
2. I want to take back my first kiss and have one that is amazing with someone that I like a lot.
3. I often fear that I will never get married.
4. Sometimes I forget that my dad is dead when I look at the pictures next to my desk under my loft. I often look at them and then think of things that I want to tell my dad about when I next see him or things that I want him to cook for me when I come home.
5. The only reason why I stay in band is because I feel that I can control how good I am at it. All I need to do is show up on time and attempt to march and I get immense awards because of it.
6. I once stole my cousins lip gloss and when she saw me using it I just told her we must have had the same one (I was nine)
7. When I show up too early to something I often times will drive around the neighborhood to kill time.
8. I read Postsecret every Sunday and I usually end up crying and saving a postcard or two on my computer.
9. I always want people to like me. I go to crazy lengths to make sure they do. When someone doesn't like me I cry and wonder what I did wrong.
10. Although I am a loud person I like to listen to the tv at an almost inaudible level
11. Most of the time when I cry it is not because I am sad it is because I am frustrated and don't know what to say
12. I wish I could take better pictures
13. I wish that I followed up with more things and that I was more timely in responding to letters
14. I often fear the future and wonder if teaching is what I really want to do for the rest of my life and if I will even make it out of college
15.I sometimes wish that I could just sleep and sleep and everything around me would figure itself out on its own
16. I wish that I could make everyone understand that death isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. Most of the time the people that have died were suffering and they are probably better off no matter where they go.
Reasons I picked you.....
....there are reasons.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
November 2006
I guess this is just my week for apologies. I had a falling out with one of my roommates this week. Although this is a sucky reason for my mean-ness I want to link it to the fact that I want everything to go back to before November of 2006. It seems to me that things were a lot better then.
In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.
Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.
I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.
Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.
In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.
Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.
I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.
Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Not So Public, Public Apology
So this past weekend was interesting to say the least. Let me give you a play by play followed by my heartfelt apology.
I went to my friends dorm to get ready. It was successful. In my totally unbiased opinion we looked amazing. Towards the end of our primping session we went to her friends dorm and pre-gamed. We then went to my friend's date's dorm and pre-gamed it up some more. After leaving his dorm I was a successfully happy drunk. We finally got to our section's dance and another friend ushered me downstairs to partake in more "fun". After a while we went back upstairs and I met my date for the night, yup, thats right, I got set up, it can only lead to fun... The rest of the night is kind of blurry...I remember going back downstairs, using the restroom, having someone land on my leg, and then the most unpleasant feeling of toungue in my mouth courtesy of my date.
This is where my apology comes into play:
I am so sorry for everyone that witnessed me on friday night. I never ever wanted to get that way and personally girls that make out with their dates while dancing disgust me to the upmost extent. I can't stand it when I go out and see that let alone me doing it. I really want to just tell them to get a room. I know that this is a terrible excuse but I couldn't control what was going on. Contrary to what you may have seen I really didn't want it to go on. What I remember of the night I tried to stop whatever it was he was doing. I would also like you to know that I am the most awkward person when it comes to dates. I pretty much dislike dancing a ton. I can't dance and I NEVER dance with guys. I always find it extremly awkward. Anyways I am SO sorry for what I did and I NEVER EVER plan on letting that happen ever again.
I went to my friends dorm to get ready. It was successful. In my totally unbiased opinion we looked amazing. Towards the end of our primping session we went to her friends dorm and pre-gamed. We then went to my friend's date's dorm and pre-gamed it up some more. After leaving his dorm I was a successfully happy drunk. We finally got to our section's dance and another friend ushered me downstairs to partake in more "fun". After a while we went back upstairs and I met my date for the night, yup, thats right, I got set up, it can only lead to fun... The rest of the night is kind of blurry...I remember going back downstairs, using the restroom, having someone land on my leg, and then the most unpleasant feeling of toungue in my mouth courtesy of my date.
This is where my apology comes into play:
I am so sorry for everyone that witnessed me on friday night. I never ever wanted to get that way and personally girls that make out with their dates while dancing disgust me to the upmost extent. I can't stand it when I go out and see that let alone me doing it. I really want to just tell them to get a room. I know that this is a terrible excuse but I couldn't control what was going on. Contrary to what you may have seen I really didn't want it to go on. What I remember of the night I tried to stop whatever it was he was doing. I would also like you to know that I am the most awkward person when it comes to dates. I pretty much dislike dancing a ton. I can't dance and I NEVER dance with guys. I always find it extremly awkward. Anyways I am SO sorry for what I did and I NEVER EVER plan on letting that happen ever again.
Friday, November 7, 2008
This Week
So it is basically safe to say that this week has been an incredible week from hell. I had an intense Sociology project due that involved a multi page write up and a crazy huge Religious Studies paper on Messianic Claimants due. In the midst of writing these this week I was successfully locked out of my room twice in one day, had an emotional breakdown, and turned in my Religious Studies paper late. Needless to say, I am so glad that it is Friday.
I am going to take this weekend to catch up on some homework, sleep, and movie watching. It is well overdue. Since I came back from Fall Break my life has been non-stop. Much to the dismay of my professors I have not gone out yet I still have to chose sleep over shower because of the immense amount of homework that I have had lately.
Although this week has been extremely hectic and unenjoyable I did get an amazing Zac Efron poster at Meijer and yesterday the band did give us free Addidas fleeces for showing exreme amounts of effort in being in marching band....
Needless to say I am extremely happy today is Friday.
I am going to take this weekend to catch up on some homework, sleep, and movie watching. It is well overdue. Since I came back from Fall Break my life has been non-stop. Much to the dismay of my professors I have not gone out yet I still have to chose sleep over shower because of the immense amount of homework that I have had lately.
Although this week has been extremely hectic and unenjoyable I did get an amazing Zac Efron poster at Meijer and yesterday the band did give us free Addidas fleeces for showing exreme amounts of effort in being in marching band....
Needless to say I am extremely happy today is Friday.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
My Life
As of right now I should be working on my six page research paper that is due at one today...but I'm not. I feel like I am stuck in the perpetual rut. I want to get out so bad, but I can't. I wish that I could fully blame it on something but I can't. I know what I think it is but I don't know if it is valid enough to blame this for my not doing homework.
The night we found out my dad died I was working on a huge APUSH research paper. I was really getting into it because it was due in just a few days. It was right after dinner and I was sitting in our living room when my aunt called and told us. I remember closing my laptop stacking my notebooks on top of my computer and closing books. I then remember walking over to my mom and telling her to go sit down. I remember taking the scissors she was using out of her hands and placing them back in the drawer. I remember turning off the light over the iron. I hung up the clothes that she was working on and then I took my stuff downstairs. I didn't really feel anything at the time. It was all so surreal. My mom was almost incoherent. She couldn't do anything and that was when I took my place as the level headed one.
Through the next week I was the one that called my mom's customers. I called our relatives. I told the funeral director what we wanted. I was the one that planned and coordinated and didn't cry. I remember everyone telling me not to be too strong, that it was okay to cry but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to. I just knew that this stuff needed to get done and thats what I did.
After everything happened I then remember how hard it finally was for me finally sit back down and work on that paper. I think I ended up turning it in about a month after the due date. I don't know why it was so hard but sometimes I feel that when I get too envolved in homework now I will get a phonecall or news that something bad has happened.
This is, I guess, is my downfall, the inherent fear that something bad will happen to someone I love when working non-stop on something.
The night we found out my dad died I was working on a huge APUSH research paper. I was really getting into it because it was due in just a few days. It was right after dinner and I was sitting in our living room when my aunt called and told us. I remember closing my laptop stacking my notebooks on top of my computer and closing books. I then remember walking over to my mom and telling her to go sit down. I remember taking the scissors she was using out of her hands and placing them back in the drawer. I remember turning off the light over the iron. I hung up the clothes that she was working on and then I took my stuff downstairs. I didn't really feel anything at the time. It was all so surreal. My mom was almost incoherent. She couldn't do anything and that was when I took my place as the level headed one.
Through the next week I was the one that called my mom's customers. I called our relatives. I told the funeral director what we wanted. I was the one that planned and coordinated and didn't cry. I remember everyone telling me not to be too strong, that it was okay to cry but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to. I just knew that this stuff needed to get done and thats what I did.
After everything happened I then remember how hard it finally was for me finally sit back down and work on that paper. I think I ended up turning it in about a month after the due date. I don't know why it was so hard but sometimes I feel that when I get too envolved in homework now I will get a phonecall or news that something bad has happened.
This is, I guess, is my downfall, the inherent fear that something bad will happen to someone I love when working non-stop on something.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
So, this weekend went better...-ish, as I would like to put it.
I got to do my favorite football weekend activities. They included going to the pep rally where Bon Jovi made a guest appearance, which was pretty cool. I got to watch my favorite college football team play...then lose, which sucked, especially since it was in quadruple over time. I got an extra hour of sleep this morning because of Day Light Savings time.
Despite all of this I still have that feeling in my stomach. Its almost the kind of feeling you get when you are really nervous about something, but I don't know what that could be. Its the butterflies in the pit of the stomach.
Sometimes I try and figure out what it is but then it always makes me feel they are my inadequacies that cause the butterflies. Then in thinking of these things I start to wonder if I am depressed but then I think to myself, if I am asking this I probably am not. I know that I am smart enough but I still often question it. I just want them to go away.
I want to feel fully happy about myself and I always think well once I fix this I will be, or once I fix that I will be, but once those things are fixed I always feel it is something else. I wish I could find happiness within myself. I know I had it at once but then I often wonder if it is because of rosy retrospection at work. Do I feel like I was completely happy in middle school because of the nostalgic factor or is it because I was genuinely happy? I wish I knew becuase I know what was different back then to what is going on now and I could try and rectify the situation.
I wish life was stress free...but its not, and I think that is what my problem is. I don't handle stress well. :-( Which stinks for me.
I got to do my favorite football weekend activities. They included going to the pep rally where Bon Jovi made a guest appearance, which was pretty cool. I got to watch my favorite college football team play...then lose, which sucked, especially since it was in quadruple over time. I got an extra hour of sleep this morning because of Day Light Savings time.
Despite all of this I still have that feeling in my stomach. Its almost the kind of feeling you get when you are really nervous about something, but I don't know what that could be. Its the butterflies in the pit of the stomach.
Sometimes I try and figure out what it is but then it always makes me feel they are my inadequacies that cause the butterflies. Then in thinking of these things I start to wonder if I am depressed but then I think to myself, if I am asking this I probably am not. I know that I am smart enough but I still often question it. I just want them to go away.
I want to feel fully happy about myself and I always think well once I fix this I will be, or once I fix that I will be, but once those things are fixed I always feel it is something else. I wish I could find happiness within myself. I know I had it at once but then I often wonder if it is because of rosy retrospection at work. Do I feel like I was completely happy in middle school because of the nostalgic factor or is it because I was genuinely happy? I wish I knew becuase I know what was different back then to what is going on now and I could try and rectify the situation.
I wish life was stress free...but its not, and I think that is what my problem is. I don't handle stress well. :-( Which stinks for me.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Oximoron: College
Going into college I was told it would be the time of my life, the best years I would ever have, live it up because it is the last time I get to be a 'kid'. Although all of these are true, they also forgot to mention that it will be the most stressful time of my life.
Since being here I have successfully or unsuccessfully, depending on how you look at it, failed my third exam since being here. I am in the process of dropping my second class, and I want to cry every time I come to my dorm and look at all the homework that I have to do. Granted I'm not the best at time management, but mathematically I often wonder where our professors think we can find the time we need to adequately study for all of our classes, sleep, eat, and have a slight semblance of a social life.
When I got my grade for my last test back I wanted to cry. I have tried so hard on all of these and my work has yet to show off. And to top it all off, I am an easily discouraged person and this isn't helping to make me want to try harder.
This whole college thing is kind of starting to get hard. Its not the balancing thing it an emotional thing, if that makes sense. There are times that I just want to have my best friends with me so that I can hug them. I just want to talk to me best friend and cry. This is all just starting to get to me. There are times that I don't think I can handle it all. I just want some familiarity in my life and right now it is really hard to get.
Since being here I have successfully or unsuccessfully, depending on how you look at it, failed my third exam since being here. I am in the process of dropping my second class, and I want to cry every time I come to my dorm and look at all the homework that I have to do. Granted I'm not the best at time management, but mathematically I often wonder where our professors think we can find the time we need to adequately study for all of our classes, sleep, eat, and have a slight semblance of a social life.
When I got my grade for my last test back I wanted to cry. I have tried so hard on all of these and my work has yet to show off. And to top it all off, I am an easily discouraged person and this isn't helping to make me want to try harder.
This whole college thing is kind of starting to get hard. Its not the balancing thing it an emotional thing, if that makes sense. There are times that I just want to have my best friends with me so that I can hug them. I just want to talk to me best friend and cry. This is all just starting to get to me. There are times that I don't think I can handle it all. I just want some familiarity in my life and right now it is really hard to get.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
With Space comes great disagreements
Going in to college I was really excited to room in a quad. I figured that I would make three new friends and have a lot of extra space that I otherwise wouldn't have had. The downfall to this amazing plan was...personalities.
I figured that going into college everyone would be studying hard and partying harder...but not my roommates. I have one roommate that I get along with the best, she studies yet she likes to go out and have an equally enjoyable time...not my other two roommates. One constantly comments on how the other has no friends...yet she, herself, has only her one friend, that she went to highschool with. These two roommates are constantly in our room. One is either napping or the other is watching the tv at a ridiculously high decibel.
*side note* My friends would constantly joke that I have asian ears. Basically me and my mom would sit in our living room watching tv with the volume down and when people come in they never know what we are laughing about because the tv would be down so low.
Back to the story. I have two friendless roommates that have no social life.
The reason why I am saying this is because of a blowout that me and one of my roommates had yesterday. I had a friend over studying and I had the music on my alarm clock down really low. Basically if two people were talking you couldn't hear the music. My roommate walks into the room and starts talking to one of my other roommates. I am totally fine with this because it is there room too. But then she starts talking about how she has to watch this one show at three and she can't miss it and then she just started to get really obnoxious. Finally I told her to grow up and that she should study instead of complaining about failing classes.
All I am asking for are you to be courteous when others are trying to study. There are times that I come into the room and everyone is studying and all I want to do is watch tv, so what do I do? I go under my bed and watch a movie on my computer. I occupy myself quietly so I don't disturb others.
I figured that going into college everyone would be studying hard and partying harder...but not my roommates. I have one roommate that I get along with the best, she studies yet she likes to go out and have an equally enjoyable time...not my other two roommates. One constantly comments on how the other has no friends...yet she, herself, has only her one friend, that she went to highschool with. These two roommates are constantly in our room. One is either napping or the other is watching the tv at a ridiculously high decibel.
*side note* My friends would constantly joke that I have asian ears. Basically me and my mom would sit in our living room watching tv with the volume down and when people come in they never know what we are laughing about because the tv would be down so low.
Back to the story. I have two friendless roommates that have no social life.
The reason why I am saying this is because of a blowout that me and one of my roommates had yesterday. I had a friend over studying and I had the music on my alarm clock down really low. Basically if two people were talking you couldn't hear the music. My roommate walks into the room and starts talking to one of my other roommates. I am totally fine with this because it is there room too. But then she starts talking about how she has to watch this one show at three and she can't miss it and then she just started to get really obnoxious. Finally I told her to grow up and that she should study instead of complaining about failing classes.
All I am asking for are you to be courteous when others are trying to study. There are times that I come into the room and everyone is studying and all I want to do is watch tv, so what do I do? I go under my bed and watch a movie on my computer. I occupy myself quietly so I don't disturb others.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Begining
After being in college for a couple of months I realized that I had too many emotions to "journal" about and I was no good at "vlogging" so I decided to try my hand at blogging, instead. My best friend started her blog about a month ago and I have realized that I constantly am checking to see if she has written anything new. I think that her blog has helped me to realize that although we are going to different colleges we will always be the same person, essentially. Yes, she is changing, and I am too, but at the core we will always react the same way to things that we have in the past.
This past week was fall break and it was amazing to have time off. I really needed it. Since moving here I have had so many emotions running through me that it is mentally draining. I often times catch myself wondering about my dad. I often think to myself, what would he say if he could see me now? Would he be proud? There is really never a day that goes by when someone congratulates me on making the marching band which is shortly followed by "your dad would be so proud of you right now". But I often wonder, would he? If he were alive would I have gone to a different college? Would I have struggled so much emotionally senior year that I would have decided to go somewhere else? If he hadn't been so sick would we have visited more colleges than the four? Would he have encouraged me to apply to more than just my one "dream school"? These questions always run through my head and they always seem endless. If my questions about my dad's proud-ness would subside I often question my brother, would he be okay? Would he be overly handicapped? Would he be able to walk? Would we get along? Would my family dynamics be different? Would I be able to go to the college I am going to if he were still alive?
My mind is almost a bottemless pit of worry, worry of what could have happened, what did happen, what is happening, and what is going to happen. I try to push them aside and live for the moment, but there are times that I want to sit and try and answer these questions and almost wallow in self pity of things that could have been or should have been.
I guess that at the core of all these questions is just my one wish. For my dad to be here now. I wanted him so badly to see me march at state for the last time my senior year. I wanted him to watch me walk at commencement. I wanted him to be there at my graduation party making people laugh, talking with old friends, and smiling with pride for what I have become. I wanted my dad to be there when I got my acceptance letter to college. To be there when I moved in to my dorm. I wanted him to be here, not there, for when I called and told him that I made it into the Notre Dame marching band. I wanted to be able to tell him that I would be able to, in a way, fufill his dream of having a child go to Notre Dame. I would be one of the select few to get to go out that tunnel on game day and have people scream for me.
Not that these thoughts had ever totally disappated from my mind, but now that I am essentially on my own I think about them more and they seem to take up more of my time.
This past week was fall break and it was amazing to have time off. I really needed it. Since moving here I have had so many emotions running through me that it is mentally draining. I often times catch myself wondering about my dad. I often think to myself, what would he say if he could see me now? Would he be proud? There is really never a day that goes by when someone congratulates me on making the marching band which is shortly followed by "your dad would be so proud of you right now". But I often wonder, would he? If he were alive would I have gone to a different college? Would I have struggled so much emotionally senior year that I would have decided to go somewhere else? If he hadn't been so sick would we have visited more colleges than the four? Would he have encouraged me to apply to more than just my one "dream school"? These questions always run through my head and they always seem endless. If my questions about my dad's proud-ness would subside I often question my brother, would he be okay? Would he be overly handicapped? Would he be able to walk? Would we get along? Would my family dynamics be different? Would I be able to go to the college I am going to if he were still alive?
My mind is almost a bottemless pit of worry, worry of what could have happened, what did happen, what is happening, and what is going to happen. I try to push them aside and live for the moment, but there are times that I want to sit and try and answer these questions and almost wallow in self pity of things that could have been or should have been.
I guess that at the core of all these questions is just my one wish. For my dad to be here now. I wanted him so badly to see me march at state for the last time my senior year. I wanted him to watch me walk at commencement. I wanted him to be there at my graduation party making people laugh, talking with old friends, and smiling with pride for what I have become. I wanted my dad to be there when I got my acceptance letter to college. To be there when I moved in to my dorm. I wanted him to be here, not there, for when I called and told him that I made it into the Notre Dame marching band. I wanted to be able to tell him that I would be able to, in a way, fufill his dream of having a child go to Notre Dame. I would be one of the select few to get to go out that tunnel on game day and have people scream for me.
Not that these thoughts had ever totally disappated from my mind, but now that I am essentially on my own I think about them more and they seem to take up more of my time.
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