1. I fear that I have no firm opinions to make and that I am easily persuaded.
2. I want to take back my first kiss and have one that is amazing with someone that I like a lot.
3. I often fear that I will never get married.
4. Sometimes I forget that my dad is dead when I look at the pictures next to my desk under my loft. I often look at them and then think of things that I want to tell my dad about when I next see him or things that I want him to cook for me when I come home.
5. The only reason why I stay in band is because I feel that I can control how good I am at it. All I need to do is show up on time and attempt to march and I get immense awards because of it.
6. I once stole my cousins lip gloss and when she saw me using it I just told her we must have had the same one (I was nine)
7. When I show up too early to something I often times will drive around the neighborhood to kill time.
8. I read Postsecret every Sunday and I usually end up crying and saving a postcard or two on my computer.
9. I always want people to like me. I go to crazy lengths to make sure they do. When someone doesn't like me I cry and wonder what I did wrong.
10. Although I am a loud person I like to listen to the tv at an almost inaudible level
11. Most of the time when I cry it is not because I am sad it is because I am frustrated and don't know what to say
12. I wish I could take better pictures
13. I wish that I followed up with more things and that I was more timely in responding to letters
14. I often fear the future and wonder if teaching is what I really want to do for the rest of my life and if I will even make it out of college
15.I sometimes wish that I could just sleep and sleep and everything around me would figure itself out on its own
16. I wish that I could make everyone understand that death isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. Most of the time the people that have died were suffering and they are probably better off no matter where they go.
Reasons I picked you.....
....there are reasons.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
November 2006
I guess this is just my week for apologies. I had a falling out with one of my roommates this week. Although this is a sucky reason for my mean-ness I want to link it to the fact that I want everything to go back to before November of 2006. It seems to me that things were a lot better then.
In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.
Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.
I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.
Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.
In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.
Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.
I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.
Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Not So Public, Public Apology
So this past weekend was interesting to say the least. Let me give you a play by play followed by my heartfelt apology.
I went to my friends dorm to get ready. It was successful. In my totally unbiased opinion we looked amazing. Towards the end of our primping session we went to her friends dorm and pre-gamed. We then went to my friend's date's dorm and pre-gamed it up some more. After leaving his dorm I was a successfully happy drunk. We finally got to our section's dance and another friend ushered me downstairs to partake in more "fun". After a while we went back upstairs and I met my date for the night, yup, thats right, I got set up, it can only lead to fun... The rest of the night is kind of blurry...I remember going back downstairs, using the restroom, having someone land on my leg, and then the most unpleasant feeling of toungue in my mouth courtesy of my date.
This is where my apology comes into play:
I am so sorry for everyone that witnessed me on friday night. I never ever wanted to get that way and personally girls that make out with their dates while dancing disgust me to the upmost extent. I can't stand it when I go out and see that let alone me doing it. I really want to just tell them to get a room. I know that this is a terrible excuse but I couldn't control what was going on. Contrary to what you may have seen I really didn't want it to go on. What I remember of the night I tried to stop whatever it was he was doing. I would also like you to know that I am the most awkward person when it comes to dates. I pretty much dislike dancing a ton. I can't dance and I NEVER dance with guys. I always find it extremly awkward. Anyways I am SO sorry for what I did and I NEVER EVER plan on letting that happen ever again.
I went to my friends dorm to get ready. It was successful. In my totally unbiased opinion we looked amazing. Towards the end of our primping session we went to her friends dorm and pre-gamed. We then went to my friend's date's dorm and pre-gamed it up some more. After leaving his dorm I was a successfully happy drunk. We finally got to our section's dance and another friend ushered me downstairs to partake in more "fun". After a while we went back upstairs and I met my date for the night, yup, thats right, I got set up, it can only lead to fun... The rest of the night is kind of blurry...I remember going back downstairs, using the restroom, having someone land on my leg, and then the most unpleasant feeling of toungue in my mouth courtesy of my date.
This is where my apology comes into play:
I am so sorry for everyone that witnessed me on friday night. I never ever wanted to get that way and personally girls that make out with their dates while dancing disgust me to the upmost extent. I can't stand it when I go out and see that let alone me doing it. I really want to just tell them to get a room. I know that this is a terrible excuse but I couldn't control what was going on. Contrary to what you may have seen I really didn't want it to go on. What I remember of the night I tried to stop whatever it was he was doing. I would also like you to know that I am the most awkward person when it comes to dates. I pretty much dislike dancing a ton. I can't dance and I NEVER dance with guys. I always find it extremly awkward. Anyways I am SO sorry for what I did and I NEVER EVER plan on letting that happen ever again.
Friday, November 7, 2008
This Week
So it is basically safe to say that this week has been an incredible week from hell. I had an intense Sociology project due that involved a multi page write up and a crazy huge Religious Studies paper on Messianic Claimants due. In the midst of writing these this week I was successfully locked out of my room twice in one day, had an emotional breakdown, and turned in my Religious Studies paper late. Needless to say, I am so glad that it is Friday.
I am going to take this weekend to catch up on some homework, sleep, and movie watching. It is well overdue. Since I came back from Fall Break my life has been non-stop. Much to the dismay of my professors I have not gone out yet I still have to chose sleep over shower because of the immense amount of homework that I have had lately.
Although this week has been extremely hectic and unenjoyable I did get an amazing Zac Efron poster at Meijer and yesterday the band did give us free Addidas fleeces for showing exreme amounts of effort in being in marching band....
Needless to say I am extremely happy today is Friday.
I am going to take this weekend to catch up on some homework, sleep, and movie watching. It is well overdue. Since I came back from Fall Break my life has been non-stop. Much to the dismay of my professors I have not gone out yet I still have to chose sleep over shower because of the immense amount of homework that I have had lately.
Although this week has been extremely hectic and unenjoyable I did get an amazing Zac Efron poster at Meijer and yesterday the band did give us free Addidas fleeces for showing exreme amounts of effort in being in marching band....
Needless to say I am extremely happy today is Friday.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
My Life
As of right now I should be working on my six page research paper that is due at one today...but I'm not. I feel like I am stuck in the perpetual rut. I want to get out so bad, but I can't. I wish that I could fully blame it on something but I can't. I know what I think it is but I don't know if it is valid enough to blame this for my not doing homework.
The night we found out my dad died I was working on a huge APUSH research paper. I was really getting into it because it was due in just a few days. It was right after dinner and I was sitting in our living room when my aunt called and told us. I remember closing my laptop stacking my notebooks on top of my computer and closing books. I then remember walking over to my mom and telling her to go sit down. I remember taking the scissors she was using out of her hands and placing them back in the drawer. I remember turning off the light over the iron. I hung up the clothes that she was working on and then I took my stuff downstairs. I didn't really feel anything at the time. It was all so surreal. My mom was almost incoherent. She couldn't do anything and that was when I took my place as the level headed one.
Through the next week I was the one that called my mom's customers. I called our relatives. I told the funeral director what we wanted. I was the one that planned and coordinated and didn't cry. I remember everyone telling me not to be too strong, that it was okay to cry but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to. I just knew that this stuff needed to get done and thats what I did.
After everything happened I then remember how hard it finally was for me finally sit back down and work on that paper. I think I ended up turning it in about a month after the due date. I don't know why it was so hard but sometimes I feel that when I get too envolved in homework now I will get a phonecall or news that something bad has happened.
This is, I guess, is my downfall, the inherent fear that something bad will happen to someone I love when working non-stop on something.
The night we found out my dad died I was working on a huge APUSH research paper. I was really getting into it because it was due in just a few days. It was right after dinner and I was sitting in our living room when my aunt called and told us. I remember closing my laptop stacking my notebooks on top of my computer and closing books. I then remember walking over to my mom and telling her to go sit down. I remember taking the scissors she was using out of her hands and placing them back in the drawer. I remember turning off the light over the iron. I hung up the clothes that she was working on and then I took my stuff downstairs. I didn't really feel anything at the time. It was all so surreal. My mom was almost incoherent. She couldn't do anything and that was when I took my place as the level headed one.
Through the next week I was the one that called my mom's customers. I called our relatives. I told the funeral director what we wanted. I was the one that planned and coordinated and didn't cry. I remember everyone telling me not to be too strong, that it was okay to cry but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to. I just knew that this stuff needed to get done and thats what I did.
After everything happened I then remember how hard it finally was for me finally sit back down and work on that paper. I think I ended up turning it in about a month after the due date. I don't know why it was so hard but sometimes I feel that when I get too envolved in homework now I will get a phonecall or news that something bad has happened.
This is, I guess, is my downfall, the inherent fear that something bad will happen to someone I love when working non-stop on something.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
So, this weekend went better...-ish, as I would like to put it.
I got to do my favorite football weekend activities. They included going to the pep rally where Bon Jovi made a guest appearance, which was pretty cool. I got to watch my favorite college football team play...then lose, which sucked, especially since it was in quadruple over time. I got an extra hour of sleep this morning because of Day Light Savings time.
Despite all of this I still have that feeling in my stomach. Its almost the kind of feeling you get when you are really nervous about something, but I don't know what that could be. Its the butterflies in the pit of the stomach.
Sometimes I try and figure out what it is but then it always makes me feel they are my inadequacies that cause the butterflies. Then in thinking of these things I start to wonder if I am depressed but then I think to myself, if I am asking this I probably am not. I know that I am smart enough but I still often question it. I just want them to go away.
I want to feel fully happy about myself and I always think well once I fix this I will be, or once I fix that I will be, but once those things are fixed I always feel it is something else. I wish I could find happiness within myself. I know I had it at once but then I often wonder if it is because of rosy retrospection at work. Do I feel like I was completely happy in middle school because of the nostalgic factor or is it because I was genuinely happy? I wish I knew becuase I know what was different back then to what is going on now and I could try and rectify the situation.
I wish life was stress free...but its not, and I think that is what my problem is. I don't handle stress well. :-( Which stinks for me.
I got to do my favorite football weekend activities. They included going to the pep rally where Bon Jovi made a guest appearance, which was pretty cool. I got to watch my favorite college football team play...then lose, which sucked, especially since it was in quadruple over time. I got an extra hour of sleep this morning because of Day Light Savings time.
Despite all of this I still have that feeling in my stomach. Its almost the kind of feeling you get when you are really nervous about something, but I don't know what that could be. Its the butterflies in the pit of the stomach.
Sometimes I try and figure out what it is but then it always makes me feel they are my inadequacies that cause the butterflies. Then in thinking of these things I start to wonder if I am depressed but then I think to myself, if I am asking this I probably am not. I know that I am smart enough but I still often question it. I just want them to go away.
I want to feel fully happy about myself and I always think well once I fix this I will be, or once I fix that I will be, but once those things are fixed I always feel it is something else. I wish I could find happiness within myself. I know I had it at once but then I often wonder if it is because of rosy retrospection at work. Do I feel like I was completely happy in middle school because of the nostalgic factor or is it because I was genuinely happy? I wish I knew becuase I know what was different back then to what is going on now and I could try and rectify the situation.
I wish life was stress free...but its not, and I think that is what my problem is. I don't handle stress well. :-( Which stinks for me.
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