My Life

As of right now I should be working on my six page research paper that is due at one today...but I'm not. I feel like I am stuck in the perpetual rut. I want to get out so bad, but I can't. I wish that I could fully blame it on something but I can't. I know what I think it is but I don't know if it is valid enough to blame this for my not doing homework.

The night we found out my dad died I was working on a huge APUSH research paper. I was really getting into it because it was due in just a few days. It was right after dinner and I was sitting in our living room when my aunt called and told us. I remember closing my laptop stacking my notebooks on top of my computer and closing books. I then remember walking over to my mom and telling her to go sit down. I remember taking the scissors she was using out of her hands and placing them back in the drawer. I remember turning off the light over the iron. I hung up the clothes that she was working on and then I took my stuff downstairs. I didn't really feel anything at the time. It was all so surreal. My mom was almost incoherent. She couldn't do anything and that was when I took my place as the level headed one.

Through the next week I was the one that called my mom's customers. I called our relatives. I told the funeral director what we wanted. I was the one that planned and coordinated and didn't cry. I remember everyone telling me not to be too strong, that it was okay to cry but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to. I just knew that this stuff needed to get done and thats what I did.

After everything happened I then remember how hard it finally was for me finally sit back down and work on that paper. I think I ended up turning it in about a month after the due date. I don't know why it was so hard but sometimes I feel that when I get too envolved in homework now I will get a phonecall or news that something bad has happened.

This is, I guess, is my downfall, the inherent fear that something bad will happen to someone I love when working non-stop on something.