The Begining

After being in college for a couple of months I realized that I had too many emotions to "journal" about and I was no good at "vlogging" so I decided to try my hand at blogging, instead. My best friend started her blog about a month ago and I have realized that I constantly am checking to see if she has written anything new. I think that her blog has helped me to realize that although we are going to different colleges we will always be the same person, essentially. Yes, she is changing, and I am too, but at the core we will always react the same way to things that we have in the past.

This past week was fall break and it was amazing to have time off. I really needed it. Since moving here I have had so many emotions running through me that it is mentally draining. I often times catch myself wondering about my dad. I often think to myself, what would he say if he could see me now? Would he be proud? There is really never a day that goes by when someone congratulates me on making the marching band which is shortly followed by "your dad would be so proud of you right now". But I often wonder, would he? If he were alive would I have gone to a different college? Would I have struggled so much emotionally senior year that I would have decided to go somewhere else? If he hadn't been so sick would we have visited more colleges than the four? Would he have encouraged me to apply to more than just my one "dream school"? These questions always run through my head and they always seem endless. If my questions about my dad's proud-ness would subside I often question my brother, would he be okay? Would he be overly handicapped? Would he be able to walk? Would we get along? Would my family dynamics be different? Would I be able to go to the college I am going to if he were still alive?

My mind is almost a bottemless pit of worry, worry of what could have happened, what did happen, what is happening, and what is going to happen. I try to push them aside and live for the moment, but there are times that I want to sit and try and answer these questions and almost wallow in self pity of things that could have been or should have been.

I guess that at the core of all these questions is just my one wish. For my dad to be here now. I wanted him so badly to see me march at state for the last time my senior year. I wanted him to watch me walk at commencement. I wanted him to be there at my graduation party making people laugh, talking with old friends, and smiling with pride for what I have become. I wanted my dad to be there when I got my acceptance letter to college. To be there when I moved in to my dorm. I wanted him to be here, not there, for when I called and told him that I made it into the Notre Dame marching band. I wanted to be able to tell him that I would be able to, in a way, fufill his dream of having a child go to Notre Dame. I would be one of the select few to get to go out that tunnel on game day and have people scream for me.

Not that these thoughts had ever totally disappated from my mind, but now that I am essentially on my own I think about them more and they seem to take up more of my time.