I guess I have a lot to catch up on...in a nutshell my life has been going fairly well.
This past weekend I had an amazing experience volunteering at the YWCA. Unlike the YMCA it is a home for domestic violence and chemical dependency victims, all of them being women. When I went into volunteer I didn't really know what to expect but what I did experience is so out of the realm of what I thought I was going to, it was amazing. I was continually reminding myself that this place wasn't a homeless shelter. All of the people living here were working as hard as they could to get out and most of them left homes to be in a safe environment. I spent about three and a half hours there and my views on many things changed. Going into volunteering I knew that the Y had a lot of rules but Laura the director had explained that the reason for these rules was because many of the women had been worried only about staying alive but here they didn't have to do that and they then needed to learn to take care of their children and themselves.
It shocked me how they had been through so much yet they still had an optimistic view on life. Just from seeing them in those few short hours I could see how different their views on life were. I don't know any of them extremely well but from what I could tell they didn't let the struggles they had been through cause them to be down about their life. They were trying as hard as they could to get what they had.
On another note, its that time of the year again. I slowly revert my mind back to my dad. I've begun to wonder if maybe the reason why I love the summer so much is because during the summer we had very little tension with my dad. It always seemed that it happened in the fall and winter that the most things happened.
I don't know how I am going to handle this month. There are days that I wake up and just want to cry but I can't. I have started wondering if I have almost become desensitized to this thing. I wonder if there is a time in which I won't cry or I won't feel the need to cry. I'm worried about that. Will it make me a worse person? Does it mean that I am totally over my dad's death. Sometimes I almost wish that I would cry every night, partially so I don't forget that he died and that I show myself that I still remember him.
Its been happening more lately that I forget that he has died. I start talking about him and I forget that he isn't here. Or sometimes I will read something and want to call him and tell him about it. I wonder what kind of conversations we would have now if he were still alive. Would we talk about the election? the economy? football? I guess I will never know.
I will try and get through this month the best that I can. It will be hard but I can make it.
