Life...again

I have one thought, really, how can people be so two-faced. I feel that for the most part I am honest to everyone. If I don't like you I won't go out of my way to be nice to you. If I like you, I'll let you know. I don't understand how people can blatantly hate someone when they aren't there and then be their best friend when they come back around. I think that is almost the lowest thing you could possibly do. Those people don't realize that your actually being a huge bitch to them behind their backs calling them names. I think it is terrible. I'm all about the little white lies so people don't become self conscious, but don't like blatantly about something, it is only going to make things worse in the long run.

I guess it has just occurred recently where I have witnessed people acting this way and it bothers me a lot. I don't talk about people behind their back just to get juicy gossip to tell them about later. I think it is low. If I talk to someone about something I expect it to stay fairly confidential and not get back to the other person. Don't go along with me complaining and agree with what I saw just to turn on me two days later.

Lifes too short to live to cause drama. Drama is unnecessary. Grow up and realize we are no longer in the seventh grade. Thank you.

Texts From Last Night

I felt like I should share some of my favorites because people might get tired of seeing them on their facebook wall.

(818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

(314): Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?

(845): what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

(250): do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
(1-250): tequila

Those three were right in a row. I think this clearly showcases the quality of texts that have been sent across America in the past few hours.

(650): im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt

Have you seen I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here? If you haven't thank God. It is the most awful reality television show out there. Its like a horrible cross of American Idol, Surreal Life, and Survivor. There are live voting, tribal council like meetings, and its all celebrities. Spencer Pratt on an episode earlier this week decided to tell America that he was the most famous person in America if not the world. REALLY? Because I am pretty sure I had never seen his face before this. He is famous for being on another reality tv show, does that really constitute fame? Because in my book it doesn't.

(843): plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

Apparently Mad Dog is good for themed parties. Pirates, bums. I don't recommend it while dressed as a bum. Taylor Swift might come to the party, you might throw up, and you might dump water all over your alarm, just saying.

(646): So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

This reminded me of my Panera experience, but maybe not quite as traumatic. I was sitting in Panera in the back section minding my own business facebook creeping per usual when this couple came and sat down a couple booths away from me. As I was sitting there I was entertained with conversations varying from faith and God, to sex and the pleasure that you get from it, to sexual abuse, adoption, sisters, raising families, marriage, work. It was crazyyy awkward just sitting there listening to this African guy go on about how going to heaven will be a better feeling than sex. WEIRD.

Basically any walk of shame related text makes me laugh. Not from personal experience or anything, but because it happens every Saturday and Sunday morning from Notre Dame to SMC and I love it.

(337): it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

(404): It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
(1-404): No one shows this much boob at breakfast

(917): SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.

(517): careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus

This one especially made me laugh in liu of Randell Terry and his croonies being at ND to protest Obama.

(312): I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk

Then there are the ones from good old 574:

(574): I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.

(574): I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?

(574): Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.

Wanted

A blue-eyed architecht willing to build me a five sided library underneath a lake of Malibu Rum that is attached to five reasonably sized houses.

The summer, so far two weeks in...seems far better than I thought it was going to turn out. My summer classes aren't horrible if you can get over the grizzly bear-scarf-YMCA interpretive dance stuff that we do. Listening to Elvis in class is a pretty decent way to spend the summer if you ask me. Then, best of all, my cousin is coming into town this weekend. I can't wait!! She is three years younger than me but as I told Ally earlier this week, she skipped the awkward early teen years and went from 12 to 17 in like a year. She is pretty awesome :)

But let me continue with the reason that I am blogging today, besides the fact that I have an another twenty minutes before my last class. It has to do with the idea of "pregnant pauses". My American Popular Music professor brings new meaning to these pauses. I don't think that they can even be properly classified as "pregnant" they are more like nine-months-ready-to pop-huge pauses. The guy will seriously pause, no exaggeration, for five seconds between sentences. If he is moving onto a different topic he will pause for nearly twenty seconds. What is even more uncomfortable about the situation is that he also enjoys making eye contact with one of the four students in the classroom. I am constantly either staring at his ridiculously long dreds or the power outlet to avoid this weird confrontation. Whenever I give a comment or point on something I am constantly backtracking because he will just nod and stare at you until finally you have retracted almost your complete statement and he will say something like, "good!" "ah, yes" You almost have to say something exactly like what he has formed in his mind for him to only take a three second pause before saying, "exactly!" and then rush to the bored and lethargicly write what you said down.

Moral of the story: Although pausing is good and everyone shouldn't talk like me when I am excited...ten second pauses between words is TOO much.

I really just want a throw back to my elementary school days and Hanson. I was listening to this song today while contracting skin cancer, ie. laying out in Lemans Circle. We all know how much of a cry baby I am so lets just say that I cried when I listened to the song. I think today I needed a hug from a friend and this song just reassured me. I hope you remember it :)


When you have no light to guide you
And no one to walk to walk beside you
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
When the night is dark and stormy
You wont have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
Sometimes when all your dreams may have seen better days
And you dont know how or why, but youve lost your way
Have no fear when your tears are fallin
I will hear your spirit callin
And I swear Ill be there come what may


cause even if we cant be together
Well be friends now and forever
And I swear that Ill be there come what may
When the night is dark and stormy
You wont have to reach out for me
I will come to you
Oh I will come to you
We all need somebody we can turn to
Someone wholl always understand
So if you feel that your soul is dyin
And you need the strength to keep tryin
Ill reach out and take your hand

Post Secret

I feel that now is as good of a time as never to share with you my love for postsecret. Every Sunday I look at it religiously. I was just looking at the ones that I have saved...because I do save them to my computer and I thought about the evolution of myself this past year. The postsecrets that I have saved, I feel show how much I have changed from the beginning of the year. The ones that I have saved have evolved. I just found that really interesting. And of course, as the year winds down I am only reminded of my dad and how much I wish he were here right now to experience or listen to what has been going on with my life. Sometimes I wonder, would he really be proud of me? Then I tell myself, of course he would. Look at you! You are in college, in the most amazing maching band in the world, and you still have yet to fail a college course. You are doing some amazing things right now. I just need to keep reminding myself of this. Of course, my dad would always be proud of me, no matter what.

Pictures

I came across a picture today of my mom and dad. Looking at it, my mom looks like she is about to cry. I wondered to myself, did my parents know that this picture would potentially be the last picture of the two of them together?Just looking at it breaks my heart. I remember that night. Did he know that just a month later I would ask him to leave my house? That I would never talk to him again. That I would tell him I didn't care if I never saw his face again?

Wait For Me

Darling, did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
And darling, did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait

Darling did you know
I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
" Til death do us part"
I mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness, and a second chance
So wait for me, darling wait for me
Wait for me
Darling wait for me

--Rebecca St. James

I don't really know what I want to say about this post except can I expect something that I can't properly give? It tears me up on the inside. Will he understand? Will he know how much I wish I could take it back? Will he still love me the same?

Life~~Again

I guess I have a lot to catch up on...in a nutshell my life has been going fairly well.

This past weekend I had an amazing experience volunteering at the YWCA. Unlike the YMCA it is a home for domestic violence and chemical dependency victims, all of them being women. When I went into volunteer I didn't really know what to expect but what I did experience is so out of the realm of what I thought I was going to, it was amazing. I was continually reminding myself that this place wasn't a homeless shelter. All of the people living here were working as hard as they could to get out and most of them left homes to be in a safe environment. I spent about three and a half hours there and my views on many things changed. Going into volunteering I knew that the Y had a lot of rules but Laura the director had explained that the reason for these rules was because many of the women had been worried only about staying alive but here they didn't have to do that and they then needed to learn to take care of their children and themselves.

It shocked me how they had been through so much yet they still had an optimistic view on life. Just from seeing them in those few short hours I could see how different their views on life were. I don't know any of them extremely well but from what I could tell they didn't let the struggles they had been through cause them to be down about their life. They were trying as hard as they could to get what they had.

On another note, its that time of the year again. I slowly revert my mind back to my dad. I've begun to wonder if maybe the reason why I love the summer so much is because during the summer we had very little tension with my dad. It always seemed that it happened in the fall and winter that the most things happened.

I don't know how I am going to handle this month. There are days that I wake up and just want to cry but I can't. I have started wondering if I have almost become desensitized to this thing. I wonder if there is a time in which I won't cry or I won't feel the need to cry. I'm worried about that. Will it make me a worse person? Does it mean that I am totally over my dad's death. Sometimes I almost wish that I would cry every night, partially so I don't forget that he died and that I show myself that I still remember him.

Its been happening more lately that I forget that he has died. I start talking about him and I forget that he isn't here. Or sometimes I will read something and want to call him and tell him about it. I wonder what kind of conversations we would have now if he were still alive. Would we talk about the election? the economy? football? I guess I will never know.

I will try and get through this month the best that I can. It will be hard but I can make it.

Last Day of Classes

I have finished my first semester as a college student. I don't know if I could call it successful, but it is done. I have finally figured out the "time management" thing that people have always told me about and as surprising as it may be, facebook doesn't facilitate in successful time management. I know, it was a surprise to me too. I have one final next week and a paper due. I think I should do fairly well. I am kind of excited for them. Next semester can only go better, I am convinced. I think I will be taking far more interesting classes and my profs should be slightly more interesting than this semester, or at least I hope so.

Looking back now I realize that college is amazing, at least the weekend part of it. It is also amazing to get to be with some of my best friends. I have made so many friends in these few short weeks its incredible. I think the most amazing part about college is the fact that I am just down the hall from my friends or just a couple buildings away. Its really nice to just take a quick study break and leave my room for a few minutes. I always knew that the social aspect of college was a plus but I didn't realize how much I would miss it during Christmas break let alone summer break. Its crazy.

College, as of now, is pretty much just as amazing as everyone said it was going to be. I can't wait to see what next semester has in store for me.

Christmas

I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
not because of the gifts, not because of the food, but because I get to see my relatives. I can't wait!!!! I get to see everyone that I love and not to mention during Christmas everyone is so much nicer and happier. I love it!!!

Maturity (pronounced mat-chur-it-ee)

I realized today that I have changed a lot since I first started college. I don't know if I necessarily matured or if my personality changed or what happened, but I know that I have changed. I don't think it was a bad change, but I know that it wasn't necessarily for the better, either. Looking back at just the beginning of the school year I realize that there are things that I would never do now that I did then. Maybe the change that I am seeing is that I have gained wisdom and insight to that of a college student's life.

I am still soft spoken when it comes to strangers, but now I am not afraid to talk to them after a while. I can now easily strike up a conversation and make "useless" small talk with people if necessary. I think that I am not as timid as I used to be. I am more willing to put more of myself out in return for more of others. I think, maybe, I have realized that this is my one chance in life to meet someone, make a complete fool of myself, and then never see that person again.

(okay in my case avoid the person for the rest of my life, but those are only technicalities)

I think that I like the person that I am today better than I liked the person I was, even yesterday. I think that I am more of an adult than I was just a few short months ago. I think that I have a better understanding of money, of politics, and of people.

I think this revelation couldn't have come at a better time. In the slumps of winter I have this one thing to look forward to, myself. I can only wait to see the person I will become next year. I can only wait and see how I will change from freshman to sophomore. It should be interesting to watch.

College

I may not fail college after all. I know, a surprise to many considering I thought I was doing God awful, but I'm not! Yea!!

Next semester should be interesting. I am taking 18 credit hours. And I will stick with them all semester and I will get an A in at least one of my classes. I am determined.

I will also ace my sociology exam. I will. I must.

I feel a lot more up beat than a I did just a few weeks ago. I went through a major slump. Now I just need to try and stay out of it.

Sixteen

1. I fear that I have no firm opinions to make and that I am easily persuaded.

2. I want to take back my first kiss and have one that is amazing with someone that I like a lot.

3. I often fear that I will never get married.

4. Sometimes I forget that my dad is dead when I look at the pictures next to my desk under my loft. I often look at them and then think of things that I want to tell my dad about when I next see him or things that I want him to cook for me when I come home.

5. The only reason why I stay in band is because I feel that I can control how good I am at it. All I need to do is show up on time and attempt to march and I get immense awards because of it.

6. I once stole my cousins lip gloss and when she saw me using it I just told her we must have had the same one (I was nine)

7. When I show up too early to something I often times will drive around the neighborhood to kill time.

8. I read Postsecret every Sunday and I usually end up crying and saving a postcard or two on my computer.

9. I always want people to like me. I go to crazy lengths to make sure they do. When someone doesn't like me I cry and wonder what I did wrong.

10. Although I am a loud person I like to listen to the tv at an almost inaudible level

11. Most of the time when I cry it is not because I am sad it is because I am frustrated and don't know what to say

12. I wish I could take better pictures

13. I wish that I followed up with more things and that I was more timely in responding to letters

14. I often fear the future and wonder if teaching is what I really want to do for the rest of my life and if I will even make it out of college

15.I sometimes wish that I could just sleep and sleep and everything around me would figure itself out on its own

16. I wish that I could make everyone understand that death isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. Most of the time the people that have died were suffering and they are probably better off no matter where they go.





Reasons I picked you.....

....there are reasons.

November 2006

I guess this is just my week for apologies. I had a falling out with one of my roommates this week. Although this is a sucky reason for my mean-ness I want to link it to the fact that I want everything to go back to before November of 2006. It seems to me that things were a lot better then.

In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.

Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.

I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.

Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.

Not So Public, Public Apology

So this past weekend was interesting to say the least. Let me give you a play by play followed by my heartfelt apology.

I went to my friends dorm to get ready. It was successful. In my totally unbiased opinion we looked amazing. Towards the end of our primping session we went to her friends dorm and pre-gamed. We then went to my friend's date's dorm and pre-gamed it up some more. After leaving his dorm I was a successfully happy drunk. We finally got to our section's dance and another friend ushered me downstairs to partake in more "fun". After a while we went back upstairs and I met my date for the night, yup, thats right, I got set up, it can only lead to fun... The rest of the night is kind of blurry...I remember going back downstairs, using the restroom, having someone land on my leg, and then the most unpleasant feeling of toungue in my mouth courtesy of my date.

This is where my apology comes into play:

I am so sorry for everyone that witnessed me on friday night. I never ever wanted to get that way and personally girls that make out with their dates while dancing disgust me to the upmost extent. I can't stand it when I go out and see that let alone me doing it. I really want to just tell them to get a room. I know that this is a terrible excuse but I couldn't control what was going on. Contrary to what you may have seen I really didn't want it to go on. What I remember of the night I tried to stop whatever it was he was doing. I would also like you to know that I am the most awkward person when it comes to dates. I pretty much dislike dancing a ton. I can't dance and I NEVER dance with guys. I always find it extremly awkward. Anyways I am SO sorry for what I did and I NEVER EVER plan on letting that happen ever again.

This Week

So it is basically safe to say that this week has been an incredible week from hell. I had an intense Sociology project due that involved a multi page write up and a crazy huge Religious Studies paper on Messianic Claimants due. In the midst of writing these this week I was successfully locked out of my room twice in one day, had an emotional breakdown, and turned in my Religious Studies paper late. Needless to say, I am so glad that it is Friday.

I am going to take this weekend to catch up on some homework, sleep, and movie watching. It is well overdue. Since I came back from Fall Break my life has been non-stop. Much to the dismay of my professors I have not gone out yet I still have to chose sleep over shower because of the immense amount of homework that I have had lately.

Although this week has been extremely hectic and unenjoyable I did get an amazing Zac Efron poster at Meijer and yesterday the band did give us free Addidas fleeces for showing exreme amounts of effort in being in marching band....

Needless to say I am extremely happy today is Friday.

My Life

As of right now I should be working on my six page research paper that is due at one today...but I'm not. I feel like I am stuck in the perpetual rut. I want to get out so bad, but I can't. I wish that I could fully blame it on something but I can't. I know what I think it is but I don't know if it is valid enough to blame this for my not doing homework.

The night we found out my dad died I was working on a huge APUSH research paper. I was really getting into it because it was due in just a few days. It was right after dinner and I was sitting in our living room when my aunt called and told us. I remember closing my laptop stacking my notebooks on top of my computer and closing books. I then remember walking over to my mom and telling her to go sit down. I remember taking the scissors she was using out of her hands and placing them back in the drawer. I remember turning off the light over the iron. I hung up the clothes that she was working on and then I took my stuff downstairs. I didn't really feel anything at the time. It was all so surreal. My mom was almost incoherent. She couldn't do anything and that was when I took my place as the level headed one.

Through the next week I was the one that called my mom's customers. I called our relatives. I told the funeral director what we wanted. I was the one that planned and coordinated and didn't cry. I remember everyone telling me not to be too strong, that it was okay to cry but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to. I just knew that this stuff needed to get done and thats what I did.

After everything happened I then remember how hard it finally was for me finally sit back down and work on that paper. I think I ended up turning it in about a month after the due date. I don't know why it was so hard but sometimes I feel that when I get too envolved in homework now I will get a phonecall or news that something bad has happened.

This is, I guess, is my downfall, the inherent fear that something bad will happen to someone I love when working non-stop on something.

So, this weekend went better...-ish, as I would like to put it.

I got to do my favorite football weekend activities. They included going to the pep rally where Bon Jovi made a guest appearance, which was pretty cool. I got to watch my favorite college football team play...then lose, which sucked, especially since it was in quadruple over time. I got an extra hour of sleep this morning because of Day Light Savings time.

Despite all of this I still have that feeling in my stomach. Its almost the kind of feeling you get when you are really nervous about something, but I don't know what that could be. Its the butterflies in the pit of the stomach.

Sometimes I try and figure out what it is but then it always makes me feel they are my inadequacies that cause the butterflies. Then in thinking of these things I start to wonder if I am depressed but then I think to myself, if I am asking this I probably am not. I know that I am smart enough but I still often question it. I just want them to go away.

I want to feel fully happy about myself and I always think well once I fix this I will be, or once I fix that I will be, but once those things are fixed I always feel it is something else. I wish I could find happiness within myself. I know I had it at once but then I often wonder if it is because of rosy retrospection at work. Do I feel like I was completely happy in middle school because of the nostalgic factor or is it because I was genuinely happy? I wish I knew becuase I know what was different back then to what is going on now and I could try and rectify the situation.

I wish life was stress free...but its not, and I think that is what my problem is. I don't handle stress well. :-( Which stinks for me.

Oximoron: College

Going into college I was told it would be the time of my life, the best years I would ever have, live it up because it is the last time I get to be a 'kid'. Although all of these are true, they also forgot to mention that it will be the most stressful time of my life.

Since being here I have successfully or unsuccessfully, depending on how you look at it, failed my third exam since being here. I am in the process of dropping my second class, and I want to cry every time I come to my dorm and look at all the homework that I have to do. Granted I'm not the best at time management, but mathematically I often wonder where our professors think we can find the time we need to adequately study for all of our classes, sleep, eat, and have a slight semblance of a social life.

When I got my grade for my last test back I wanted to cry. I have tried so hard on all of these and my work has yet to show off. And to top it all off, I am an easily discouraged person and this isn't helping to make me want to try harder.

This whole college thing is kind of starting to get hard. Its not the balancing thing it an emotional thing, if that makes sense. There are times that I just want to have my best friends with me so that I can hug them. I just want to talk to me best friend and cry. This is all just starting to get to me. There are times that I don't think I can handle it all. I just want some familiarity in my life and right now it is really hard to get.

With Space comes great disagreements

Going in to college I was really excited to room in a quad. I figured that I would make three new friends and have a lot of extra space that I otherwise wouldn't have had. The downfall to this amazing plan was...personalities.

I figured that going into college everyone would be studying hard and partying harder...but not my roommates. I have one roommate that I get along with the best, she studies yet she likes to go out and have an equally enjoyable time...not my other two roommates. One constantly comments on how the other has no friends...yet she, herself, has only her one friend, that she went to highschool with. These two roommates are constantly in our room. One is either napping or the other is watching the tv at a ridiculously high decibel.

*side note* My friends would constantly joke that I have asian ears. Basically me and my mom would sit in our living room watching tv with the volume down and when people come in they never know what we are laughing about because the tv would be down so low.

Back to the story. I have two friendless roommates that have no social life.

The reason why I am saying this is because of a blowout that me and one of my roommates had yesterday. I had a friend over studying and I had the music on my alarm clock down really low. Basically if two people were talking you couldn't hear the music. My roommate walks into the room and starts talking to one of my other roommates. I am totally fine with this because it is there room too. But then she starts talking about how she has to watch this one show at three and she can't miss it and then she just started to get really obnoxious. Finally I told her to grow up and that she should study instead of complaining about failing classes.

All I am asking for are you to be courteous when others are trying to study. There are times that I come into the room and everyone is studying and all I want to do is watch tv, so what do I do? I go under my bed and watch a movie on my computer. I occupy myself quietly so I don't disturb others.