I realized today that I have changed a lot since I first started college. I don't know if I necessarily matured or if my personality changed or what happened, but I know that I have changed. I don't think it was a bad change, but I know that it wasn't necessarily for the better, either. Looking back at just the beginning of the school year I realize that there are things that I would never do now that I did then. Maybe the change that I am seeing is that I have gained wisdom and insight to that of a college student's life.
I am still soft spoken when it comes to strangers, but now I am not afraid to talk to them after a while. I can now easily strike up a conversation and make "useless" small talk with people if necessary. I think that I am not as timid as I used to be. I am more willing to put more of myself out in return for more of others. I think, maybe, I have realized that this is my one chance in life to meet someone, make a complete fool of myself, and then never see that person again.
(okay in my case avoid the person for the rest of my life, but those are only technicalities)
I think that I like the person that I am today better than I liked the person I was, even yesterday. I think that I am more of an adult than I was just a few short months ago. I think that I have a better understanding of money, of politics, and of people.
I think this revelation couldn't have come at a better time. In the slumps of winter I have this one thing to look forward to, myself. I can only wait to see the person I will become next year. I can only wait and see how I will change from freshman to sophomore. It should be interesting to watch.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
College
I may not fail college after all. I know, a surprise to many considering I thought I was doing God awful, but I'm not! Yea!!
Next semester should be interesting. I am taking 18 credit hours. And I will stick with them all semester and I will get an A in at least one of my classes. I am determined.
I will also ace my sociology exam. I will. I must.
I feel a lot more up beat than a I did just a few weeks ago. I went through a major slump. Now I just need to try and stay out of it.
Next semester should be interesting. I am taking 18 credit hours. And I will stick with them all semester and I will get an A in at least one of my classes. I am determined.
I will also ace my sociology exam. I will. I must.
I feel a lot more up beat than a I did just a few weeks ago. I went through a major slump. Now I just need to try and stay out of it.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sixteen
1. I fear that I have no firm opinions to make and that I am easily persuaded.
2. I want to take back my first kiss and have one that is amazing with someone that I like a lot.
3. I often fear that I will never get married.
4. Sometimes I forget that my dad is dead when I look at the pictures next to my desk under my loft. I often look at them and then think of things that I want to tell my dad about when I next see him or things that I want him to cook for me when I come home.
5. The only reason why I stay in band is because I feel that I can control how good I am at it. All I need to do is show up on time and attempt to march and I get immense awards because of it.
6. I once stole my cousins lip gloss and when she saw me using it I just told her we must have had the same one (I was nine)
7. When I show up too early to something I often times will drive around the neighborhood to kill time.
8. I read Postsecret every Sunday and I usually end up crying and saving a postcard or two on my computer.
9. I always want people to like me. I go to crazy lengths to make sure they do. When someone doesn't like me I cry and wonder what I did wrong.
10. Although I am a loud person I like to listen to the tv at an almost inaudible level
11. Most of the time when I cry it is not because I am sad it is because I am frustrated and don't know what to say
12. I wish I could take better pictures
13. I wish that I followed up with more things and that I was more timely in responding to letters
14. I often fear the future and wonder if teaching is what I really want to do for the rest of my life and if I will even make it out of college
15.I sometimes wish that I could just sleep and sleep and everything around me would figure itself out on its own
16. I wish that I could make everyone understand that death isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. Most of the time the people that have died were suffering and they are probably better off no matter where they go.
Reasons I picked you.....
....there are reasons.
2. I want to take back my first kiss and have one that is amazing with someone that I like a lot.
3. I often fear that I will never get married.
4. Sometimes I forget that my dad is dead when I look at the pictures next to my desk under my loft. I often look at them and then think of things that I want to tell my dad about when I next see him or things that I want him to cook for me when I come home.
5. The only reason why I stay in band is because I feel that I can control how good I am at it. All I need to do is show up on time and attempt to march and I get immense awards because of it.
6. I once stole my cousins lip gloss and when she saw me using it I just told her we must have had the same one (I was nine)
7. When I show up too early to something I often times will drive around the neighborhood to kill time.
8. I read Postsecret every Sunday and I usually end up crying and saving a postcard or two on my computer.
9. I always want people to like me. I go to crazy lengths to make sure they do. When someone doesn't like me I cry and wonder what I did wrong.
10. Although I am a loud person I like to listen to the tv at an almost inaudible level
11. Most of the time when I cry it is not because I am sad it is because I am frustrated and don't know what to say
12. I wish I could take better pictures
13. I wish that I followed up with more things and that I was more timely in responding to letters
14. I often fear the future and wonder if teaching is what I really want to do for the rest of my life and if I will even make it out of college
15.I sometimes wish that I could just sleep and sleep and everything around me would figure itself out on its own
16. I wish that I could make everyone understand that death isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. Most of the time the people that have died were suffering and they are probably better off no matter where they go.
Reasons I picked you.....
....there are reasons.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
November 2006
I guess this is just my week for apologies. I had a falling out with one of my roommates this week. Although this is a sucky reason for my mean-ness I want to link it to the fact that I want everything to go back to before November of 2006. It seems to me that things were a lot better then.
In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.
Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.
I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.
Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.
In November of 2006 I saw my dad alive for the last time. I remember it, too. He came to the house to pick up the last of his things and he was in the garage. I was thirsty so I went out there to grab a bottle of water and him and my mom were talking on the steps in our garage. I remember avoiding eye contact. I also remember the look in his eyes, I remember the will that was in his eyes. I know that he wanted me to acknowledge him, but I didn't. I just went about my business.
Following that November I talked to my dad just a handful of times. I remember one phone call where I yelled at him. I am pretty sure I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I remember him not talking back. I remember his breathing being hard. I remember him not being able to talk back because he was too weak to. I also remember me not caring. I remembering still yelling at him and yelling. I was probably screaming.
I remember the last time he called. It was a Friday night. I was getting ready to go talk to my mom and the phone rang. I answered it and I remembering being really short with my dad. He told me that my aunt Pam was going to take him to the doctor that Monday and they were going to see what was wrong with him. I remember him telling me that he loves me and I remember me telling him "whatever". That was the last thing I ever said to my dad, because he died that Monday.
Right now I wish that I had my best friend here to talk to. I wish that it was like in November when I could call her at all hours of the night and talk (between 10 and 11 of course). When I would see her before school would start and I would tell her about my night. I want her here with me now. She could give me advice that I would clearly not follow :) but she would be there for me to vent.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Begining
After being in college for a couple of months I realized that I had too many emotions to "journal" about and I was no good at "vlogging" so I decided to try my hand at blogging, instead. My best friend started her blog about a month ago and I have realized that I constantly am checking to see if she has written anything new. I think that her blog has helped me to realize that although we are going to different colleges we will always be the same person, essentially. Yes, she is changing, and I am too, but at the core we will always react the same way to things that we have in the past.
This past week was fall break and it was amazing to have time off. I really needed it. Since moving here I have had so many emotions running through me that it is mentally draining. I often times catch myself wondering about my dad. I often think to myself, what would he say if he could see me now? Would he be proud? There is really never a day that goes by when someone congratulates me on making the marching band which is shortly followed by "your dad would be so proud of you right now". But I often wonder, would he? If he were alive would I have gone to a different college? Would I have struggled so much emotionally senior year that I would have decided to go somewhere else? If he hadn't been so sick would we have visited more colleges than the four? Would he have encouraged me to apply to more than just my one "dream school"? These questions always run through my head and they always seem endless. If my questions about my dad's proud-ness would subside I often question my brother, would he be okay? Would he be overly handicapped? Would he be able to walk? Would we get along? Would my family dynamics be different? Would I be able to go to the college I am going to if he were still alive?
My mind is almost a bottemless pit of worry, worry of what could have happened, what did happen, what is happening, and what is going to happen. I try to push them aside and live for the moment, but there are times that I want to sit and try and answer these questions and almost wallow in self pity of things that could have been or should have been.
I guess that at the core of all these questions is just my one wish. For my dad to be here now. I wanted him so badly to see me march at state for the last time my senior year. I wanted him to watch me walk at commencement. I wanted him to be there at my graduation party making people laugh, talking with old friends, and smiling with pride for what I have become. I wanted my dad to be there when I got my acceptance letter to college. To be there when I moved in to my dorm. I wanted him to be here, not there, for when I called and told him that I made it into the Notre Dame marching band. I wanted to be able to tell him that I would be able to, in a way, fufill his dream of having a child go to Notre Dame. I would be one of the select few to get to go out that tunnel on game day and have people scream for me.
Not that these thoughts had ever totally disappated from my mind, but now that I am essentially on my own I think about them more and they seem to take up more of my time.
This past week was fall break and it was amazing to have time off. I really needed it. Since moving here I have had so many emotions running through me that it is mentally draining. I often times catch myself wondering about my dad. I often think to myself, what would he say if he could see me now? Would he be proud? There is really never a day that goes by when someone congratulates me on making the marching band which is shortly followed by "your dad would be so proud of you right now". But I often wonder, would he? If he were alive would I have gone to a different college? Would I have struggled so much emotionally senior year that I would have decided to go somewhere else? If he hadn't been so sick would we have visited more colleges than the four? Would he have encouraged me to apply to more than just my one "dream school"? These questions always run through my head and they always seem endless. If my questions about my dad's proud-ness would subside I often question my brother, would he be okay? Would he be overly handicapped? Would he be able to walk? Would we get along? Would my family dynamics be different? Would I be able to go to the college I am going to if he were still alive?
My mind is almost a bottemless pit of worry, worry of what could have happened, what did happen, what is happening, and what is going to happen. I try to push them aside and live for the moment, but there are times that I want to sit and try and answer these questions and almost wallow in self pity of things that could have been or should have been.
I guess that at the core of all these questions is just my one wish. For my dad to be here now. I wanted him so badly to see me march at state for the last time my senior year. I wanted him to watch me walk at commencement. I wanted him to be there at my graduation party making people laugh, talking with old friends, and smiling with pride for what I have become. I wanted my dad to be there when I got my acceptance letter to college. To be there when I moved in to my dorm. I wanted him to be here, not there, for when I called and told him that I made it into the Notre Dame marching band. I wanted to be able to tell him that I would be able to, in a way, fufill his dream of having a child go to Notre Dame. I would be one of the select few to get to go out that tunnel on game day and have people scream for me.
Not that these thoughts had ever totally disappated from my mind, but now that I am essentially on my own I think about them more and they seem to take up more of my time.
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